You Would’ve Been…

f o u r  m o n t h s  o l d.

Dear Sterling,

I adore you, little one. My love for you knows no bounds and continues to grow with every passing day.

Another month passes and I find myself saying the same thing I always say. Today, you would have been.

I close my eyes and let myself imagine what you might’ve looked like, how big would’ve grown. I dream of the beauty in your smile and the magic in the sound of your laughter. I imagine what this moment would have been like if you were here and I yearn.

I long for that life, where I’d be doing my best to capture a photo of a wilde and wiggly 4 month old, as bright blue eyes catch glimmers of light and gleam brilliantly.

Instead, I open my eyes and it all disappears. Gone. Your whole life and all my dreams for you and our family is just ripped from my grasp and every time, it feels like the first time. It feels like I am losing you all over again.

I miss you so much, darling baby. And that is the understatement of the year.

I love you forever and ever. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you.

1 Month old

Darling baby,

You would’ve been 1 month old today. 

💙

  We would’ve been sitting on the couch right now, you asleep on me, probably freshly bathed and nursed. 

I would’ve been composing some sort of 1 month post with all your baby milestones. 

The other kids would be getting ready for bed and coming to kiss you goodnight a hundred times.  They would probably wake you up and make you all cranky and I would laugh because you’re all so adorable. 

I wonder if these thoughts ever stop.  Or will I always wonder what we’d be doing if you were still here? 

It’s only been 25 days and I’m not sure how we’re supposed to do life without you.