1 Month old

Darling baby,

You would’ve been 1 month old today. 


  We would’ve been sitting on the couch right now, you asleep on me, probably freshly bathed and nursed. 

I would’ve been composing some sort of 1 month post with all your baby milestones. 

The other kids would be getting ready for bed and coming to kiss you goodnight a hundred times.  They would probably wake you up and make you all cranky and I would laugh because you’re all so adorable. 

I wonder if these thoughts ever stop.  Or will I always wonder what we’d be doing if you were still here? 

It’s only been 25 days and I’m not sure how we’re supposed to do life without you.

Just One

One day. We had you for one day, Sterling. Everything was normal. Your newborn exam was perfect. You nursed well. You cried when your swaddled opened up and the cold air hit your soft newbie skin.  It was pure bliss for one day.  21 hours to be more exact. 

This mama had no idea what heartbreak and turmoil was coming her way.  I’m so grateful that we had 21 hours of normalcy with you, to snuggle you and sniff your little newborn head.  21 hours before everything changed.  21 perfect, beautiful hours of you.  Some parents don’t even have that with their babies and I will be eternally grateful for this day.

Randy and I want to express our deepest gratitude for the amount of support we’ve received during the darkest time of our lives. ‘Thank you’ doesn’t even begin to cover it.  During this time, there have been little blessings sprinkled all throughout.  Sometimes, they have come in the form of love and support from friends, family, and even complete strangers.  And sometimes, they have come in the form of comedic relief- just funny, little things that have happened that brought laughter and joy to a painful situation.

I’m keeping a journal full of all the beautiful things that have come out of this nightmare and I would like to start sharing them with you soon. In the meantime, please know that every text, every call, every DM or PM, every comment, every prayer, every meal, every gift, every card, every donation, every share, even if we’re just on your mind, all of this means the world to us.  From the bottom of my shattered heart, thank you.

Photo taken December 5th, just an hour after birth.


As much as I wish I could be reporting a miracle, I have devastating news.  Our beautiful Sterling was ushered into heaven last night, while being snuggled in his daddy’s arms. This has been the most excruciating pain we’ve ever felt, but we also feel the Lord’s presence, His hand holding us together, and His strength, peace and comfort. 

Precious Sterling was born with a rare metabolic disorder that shut down his entire little system.  We’ll never understand why we were chosen to walk this road, but we trust in God’s plan for our lives and for Sterling’s little life.  It was short, but impacted many. Thank you for all your support, love and prayers.  We wouldn’t have been able to go through this without you guys by our side and we love you all.

I love you, sweet boy.  I’m so sorry for all the doctors, pricks, pokes, tubes, tests and scans. It killed us to see you that way, but truly, you’re a lucky boy.  You had a fast pass to heaven and now I know you’re at peace. No more pain, just peace.  Daddy and I will be here taking care of your sisters and brother, but we will be thinking about you every second of every day until we go home to be with you.  The Lord sent us an angel for Christmas and although it has been the hardest thing I’ve ever done to have to give you back, my son, I wouldn’t change having you for the world.

  Thank you for the 6 days we had with you.  I love being your mama, Sterling.