Blog

The Stigma Around Special Needs

I’ve been sitting on this one for some time now. The thoughts have been swirling around in my mind and I haven’t quite been able to gather them and put them into words. I am fearful that my tone will come off angry when really, I am hurting and heartbroken. If you feel angry or […]

When It Rains…

Once you’ve experienced unfathomable loss, it can be easy to feel like you’ve paid your dues. They say lightning never strikes twice. After all, we’re supposed to get rainbows after the storm, right? But what if your rainbow dies too? It was six weeks after Sterling’s birth. Just six weeks. He hadn’t even been gone […]

“You’re pregnant, aren’t you?”

Months after having my third baby, Oliver, my doctor discovered a solid mass on my ovary. Luckily, it was small enough (about 4cm), that she wasn’t worried. She told me it would most likely vanish over time, but if it grew, we would talk about removing it. I went in every 3 months for ultrasounds […]

A Love Letter to Loss Mamas

Dear one, There are no words, written or spoken, that could ever describe the unimaginable pain you are experiencing. In the depths of your broken heart lives an indescribable love that you have for your baby, one that will never fade, but will continue to grow for as long as you live. He knows your voice. […]

To my Husband,

I remember a moment when things got rough in the NICU. It was clear we most likely wouldn’t be bringing our boy home. You grabbed my hand and told me this would be the hardest thing we’d ever have to endure together. You were right. You told me we were strong enough to make it. […]

Life with Sterling

TW: baby seizure, EEG. December 10th, 2019 We were airlifted to CHLA in the morning and by the evening, Sterling was having a seizure every few minutes. This was during an overnight EEG to monitor seizure activity. He had a monitor at the end of the bed and a camera recording him. I stood next […]

Time Travel

The 5th through the 11th of every month is a sacred space for us. I imagine a world where Sterling lived and what life might’ve been like for us. I also travel back into my memories and remember what we were doing this day, 4 months ago. On this day, 4 months ago, I was […]

You Would’ve Been…

f o u r  m o n t h s  o l d. Dear Sterling, I adore you, little one. My love for you knows no bounds and continues to grow with every passing day. Another month passes and I find myself saying the same thing I always say. Today, you would have been. I […]

A Different Kind of Rainbow

Though sometimes small and often overlooked, there are miracles that occur every day. My sister named her 2nd daughter Iris Sterling. She was given her middle name in honor and memory of my boy. But my sister chose the name Iris for her baby girl before knowing the meaning that it would hold for our […]

Blanket Sniffing

Dear Sterling, It is a hard day. I am overcome with grief. I can’t move. I can’t speak. I can barely breathe. I can only sit and wish you were here. So I gather your things and climb back into bed. Your sloth. Your little woobie. Your blankets. Three little blankets that tell the entire […]

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