Due date. Empty womb. Empty arms.

Darling boy, today was your due date.  You surprised us 2 weeks early, even though I specifically asked you not to come that day, since I had a sink full of dishes that I was too tired to wash.  I always wanted a Christmas baby. 

Your daddy and I didn’t think we’d have a 5th, but I said if we had another surprise babe, I’d love to have a December baby.  Boy, were you full of surprises. I can’t help but think about the ‘what ifs’. What if you were still here, alive and well?  You would’ve been 2 weeks old and probably starting to get pretty chubby like your brother did at this age. 

What if I still would’ve been pregnant?  40 weeks pregnant and probably complaining to your dad about how uncomfortable I am, taking for granted my last moments with you safe in my womb.  All of this feels so surreal sometimes.  I keep saying you’re supposed to be here. I’m supposed to be cuddling my little nursling and watching Christmas movies instead of picking out an urn and planning a funeral service for my baby boy. 

But the truth is you fulfilled your purpose here.  Your life was so precious and powerful. You were here for 6 days and you reached more people than I ever could in my entire lifetime.  So rest easy, baby boy, and I’ll see you again when my time comes.

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